Leading up to the first day of treatment has been awful. I mean I know what I am doing is supposed to help make me better but having to get sick to feel better .. It doesnt really make sense to me. So they use the term “dragon slayer” when they refer to a person that suffers from Hepatitis C. At first I did not understand why. But now I do. I mean imagine having to go up against the biggest , baddest , scariest creature in the world. And you whole purpose of doing it was to save yourself. Picture any show you have watched that has a dragon in it. Those things are not exactly the sweetest creatures. And they are never pretty or easy going. They are huge,ugly,fire breathing ,deadly creatures. Not something you want to have to go up against. This first week of treatment I have met this horrible beast. And boy is he ugly! And he does not like me very much at all. I have drawn my sword and I am prepared to fight. But he has the upper hand . I am small in comparison and I do not have a lot strength . He has drained me. How I do not know but as strong as I thought I would be. I am learning really I am not. I have tried to be prepared for all of this. But I mean how do you train for a fight when your life is on the line?
The first day was crazy. I stressed myself out . Worrying that I would be a burden. I would be considered lazy. I have imagined every possible conclusion in the world. And it all came down to I still have to do this. If not for anyone but myself. The medicines make me sick. And I know it is all for good reason. I am so tired because my body is fighting this dragon. I am finding it hard to do little things and the reality for people close to me is I am really as sick as the doctors say. I can not hide it any longer. I am always the strong one. And now I have to still be strong but not as much as before.It is hard to explain just what I feel to people who do not have the illness. I would not want any of them to experience what I am going through. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. But if I had to describe what I felt in one word it would have to be…CRAP! I know the visual is not pretty but that is the only word I have.
I know that this treatment compared to the new treatments is not the easy route to take. But to say the least I am use to the hard road. I remember when I detoxed from heroin. That was at the time the hardest thing I had ever done. Now this is in a ball field all of its own. I hear some say I should do this or that. But the reality of the situation is this. My doctor and me sat down and weighed all options available and we came to the conclusion that this was a route I should take. It is getting harder and harder not to write the ” Dear Dr. Dickhead” letter. Trust and believe I have thought about it. But on the flip side. He is trying to save my life and I agreed to the treatment and understood the side effects. So I would have to write myself the same letter. Well minus the Doctor part. I know what I was getting into when I signed up for it. Do I regret it you may ask? Well the simple answer is ..NO. Even though I have been sick since Monday’s first interferon injection and it is Saturday now, I am here for the long haul. Even though the words ” I can not do this anymore” has been said a lot this week. I am not one to give up. I have never let any of the other things get me down. So I am not going to let this. I am going to pull up the big girl panties and I am going to grab my sword and prepare for the long battle I have. This is week one out of 48. So that means 47 more weeks to go. I am fighting for my life here. I refuse to let this disease take me any further than I already am. I am going to make this disease my bitch this year. And with all the support from family and friends I know I can do anything!