I am not sure if this is what I have been looking for….

Growing up we all had ideas of what we wanted to be when we got older. For me it was a dancer. Not the one with the pole but the one with pointe shoes. And I am sure a few of you had ideas in their heads bout how your future would be. I doubt that you would find one person who wanted bad things to happen to them. That they said yep I am going to quit school, live a life of crime, go to prison and be murdered. I know I don’t know anyone who had that as their dream. And I bet that none of you every thought you could or would be sick. Fighting for your life with everything in you. I know that was not a goal I had aspired too. But here it is.. That crazy word with a lot of meaning.. Here is life! It is a no holds barred situation that keeps coming no matter how much you want it to stop. People die, get married, have kids, go to jail, gain weight, fall in love, get heart broken, get sick and so on and so forth. It is not all great fun day in day out. And nothing like I expected. I think growing up I had a vision of what I wanted my life to be. I wanted to be this great dancer, have a good relationship, have kids, have a nice home, nice car, great friends and no worries. What I got was this…. depends on how or who is looking at this.. but I am a great dancer( pole and pointe shoes.) I have an amazing son, not so great relationships, I have a roof over my head but it is not mine, addiction for 17 years, a few nice car, a deadly disease and as far as friends I have learned so much about friends and friendships to the point where I have just a few. None of the things that I looked for growing up.

In the grand scheme of things I was very selfish with my life. And if I had to do over I would not. I just see and notice more since I have been sick. I know that I do have friends and some family that love and care about me. I have mended some relationships and I have lost some. And today I am okay with it. But looking at my life and all that I have been through I guess I figured while I was growing up life would be great when I got older. Well I was wrong again. I have learned that the big house, fancy car, money, people and things are not the big picture. The big picture is this: One you have something that you can not replace.. like health… do all those things matter anymore? And actually they do not. Because all the flashy stuff and the nice things are not making you breath or live longer. Granted I have heard it is better to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.. But in reality it is just what it is.. It is stuff. Little things you have paid for that can break or stop working. Can get stolen and thrown away. But your health.. well it can not be bought , stolen, thrown away, break or be paid for. The one thing in this life that I never once thought about or really even cared about is the one thing now that it is gone.. I wish I could get it back.. To bad you can not wish it better. I have lost a lot of things in my life but the one thing I will never get back is the one thing that means everything right now… My health.


By aprilgaddis10

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