Throughout the years I have been “trying” to grow up I have learned a whole lot. See while I was out doing my own thing so to speak I forgot that everyone else was growing up. See I looked at the school, the careers, the moves..Everything as something that I was “not ready” for. Now that I have grown up somewhat I see that all of the things I took for granted well..they.. are… gone! And I can never get those lost opportunities I can never get them back. I have to do that now. I had so much potential that others saw. Just not me. I saw well I do not know what I saw. I don’t know if it was being rebellious or if it was just who I was back then. I honestly can not say. But what I see now today sitting on this couch with a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back and people that always cared I was just to self absorbed that it did not matter to me. Yes I was that selfish. But the fact that I see the changes, And honestly I am not saying this because I want people to see it. I am saying this because today I see and feel a positive change in me. And I feel good about it. Yes I am going through treatment to save my life that I took for granted. But today unlike when I was on the street I am not worried about where I am going to get my next fix.. I see a person that can say in her heart that today I can lay my head on my pillow and know that just for today I AM GOOD! And for me that is huge. And to work for amazing people and do what I love. And try to be the voice for some who can’t say the things I say. I am very content in all of that. I hate that it took hitting rock bottom seeing that all the things and people that I love are precious and that is because I am precious. I have changed my whole outlook on things. It probably also has a lot to do with I do not have to look at the same 4 wooden walls..for what ever the amount of time I am awake. I do not have to get bat shit crazy and take it out on people that it is not even for. I enjoy advocating for my disease. I feel like I am helping. I know today I have goals where almost 7 years ago.. My only goal was chase the next ‘high’. Not today, today I want a place I can call my own, be able to take care of those I can., Finish school and be able to one day say I am healthy. Those are my goals. I could care less about bling and fancy cars. I just want to be with my family, and my real friends and to say today I am doing the very best I can.I know it is strange but if we were all able to sit back and see what we miss on a daily basis .. I think in the big picture we would see that the most important things we have are each other.. Basiscally things that money can not buy!
I have been on a emotional roller coaster. And I know how I feel everyday. I can not begin to explain how I feel inside. And when people ask you and you put a smile on your face never showing how upset you really are. When I was younger I would use my addiction to explain the weight loss. And in doing that it had come to the point that became the little girl who cried wolf. Now I understand that they had gotten my lying about my addiction . When I was finally diagnosed in 2007 . I automatically wanted to tell my family I was really sick. And they probably thought of myself. When I done my first round of treatment I had removed my self from my family and thought that I dealt with my addiction. And then if you look to the future right now. I am taking meds and I am sick. But there is a difference. I am surrounded by my family and my friends and I know I am not alone.. I am scared but I am not alone. And I am trying to hold it together for them. But I can’t anymore. And that is where I feel vulnerable . And I hate that feeling. I know speaking with my doctor is different. But I am not there right now.. I am going to have an MRI gone of my brain. Because of the shaking and the blurriness when I am trying to do everything and I can’t for the life of me try to understand how I am going through this… Maybe I will find out ay somepoint.
As I sit here and I think of my life and the could haves and would haves. I wonder about the way my life has turned out. Here I am fighting for my life and I sit back and see others that take their lives for granted. I see myself in others how they are living now. I wonder if I give advice because I want to save them? Honestly I do not know. But I am tired of being there for others and in the end all I get is disrespected. Maybe it is like that because of the things I did in my past. The way I treated others and this is like a kind of karma coming back to bite me.. I do not know. All I know is I wish that the younger me would have listened to what I was told back in the day. Maybe life for me would not be what it is right now. Who can say really? I guess that I had to learn the hard way. It is just sad to me that my hard way has lead me to what I am going through now. I just hope that for some their hard way is not the end for them. But tonight I will pray for the still suffering addict and hope that they find peace and another day..
By now if you have read any of my posts or know me personally you know that I have struggled with many things over the years. One of those things is just as important to me as my disease.. it is another disease that I suffer from. Addiction.
Here recently it has been all over the news because of the overdoses of some celebrities since last year. I get that now it is coming up into conversation because it is on the news and we as a society have conversations about what we hear and see even if it has nothing to do with us personally. That is just how it is. Being someone whose addiction was there for all to see. I feel like we as a society should stop with the “oh I feel sorry for them.. They knew it was bad” crap that we say. In my 17 years as a using addict I knew it was not good for me. I did not care. I was chasing a high that no matter what I did I never found again. And I am not the only one that has said those words. Drugs are a way for someone to escape. It is not for you to understand. And it is not for you to judge. A person does what they chose to do with their life. Each of us has chosen a path we take. And sometimes along the way you get lost. It is part of life for some. Does it suck yes of course it does. But addiction is a very real thing. And to only speak about it when someone dies is a shame.
The reality of the situation is this.. drugs are a very real thing. And no I am not talking about the Washington stuff about legalizing a drug. I am talking about the horror stories you read when you type any drug really into a search engine. I mean it is getting to a point that people do not care how they escape from reality they just want to do it. I recently read about a drug that eats your body from the inside out. I mean why???? I can not say the using addict April would have never tried it. Because the reality of it was if I were high I probably would not have cared. I just wish we as a society would stop closing our eyes to this. Realize it is there. And try to be vigilant and see the signs before it is too late. I hate that it takes the death of someone famous to see a problem. But you reading this now may have an issue. I know I can not save you all. I can only save me. But I want to be able to say as a grateful recovering addict…. I AM ALIVE BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE! Now I am fighting for my life because I wanted to get high! Doesn’t make sense does it? On the outside looking in on an addict…. You have no idea just how sick we really are!
In life we sometimes take things for granted. And we expect things to be the way we want them. But rarely do they always turn out the way we want. Life is so full or surprises and none of us know from day to day what it will really hold for us. I mean sure we get up go to work or school, take care of children, take care of pets.. we do things that are “normal” so to speak. But if you look back lets say the past year… Have things always everyday worked out the way you wanted them too?
I know in my personal life for me they haven’t. I look at this time last year and no I can say for me the past year has been unexpected. Earlier last year I was raped. It was quite brutal and it changed the direction my life was headed. I met new friends and started the journey back to a place where I was always just visiting. You know holidays and such. And now here I am a year later almost and I am not a visitor I am family again. I live where I grew up and I have my life surrounded by people who know and love me. I never thought for a million years it would be like this. And then to top it off now we are dealing with treatment again.. The night before the shot is always bad its no sleep just worrying . I guess it is because I am the one that has to be sick. Not sure. But a year ago I would have never thought my life would be where it is today. I am a published author, I am going to school, I work with a great non- profit that educates about hepatitis c. I am happy. So I guess I had to go through the brutal rape and all of that to be able to be strong for the fight of my life….
As I sit here in the dark and wonder about the world right outside that window. I wonder is there some one like me that does the same thing? Not like long lost romance type stuff….Not really into that. But if there is someone who right now wonders if someone ,somewhere out in this big universe is there someone who knows how I feel? That is sick? That is trying to be strong for everyone but it’s starting to slip away. I carry around with me the things I have been told only told a few people and that is it. I feel weird when it becomes about me. Why that I am unsure of but I just do? I mean come on I am 33 years old. I hurt everywhere. I hurt everyday. I try not to complain but I do. Because it is so hard to sit in a house surrounded by your own thoughts you own dreams that are being pushed away and you may never get them back. I do not expect any one to understand me. I am not comparing myself or situation to anyone else. I am simply speaking about my own experience. Maybe not everyone has the same feelings that I do. And that is okay. I am frustrated and I feel like the disease is getting the better of me and I am not ready to give up quite yet. And I think the people around me see it now too. I think that is what hurts more than anything I CAN’T HIDE IT ANYMORE.
Inside my world no one would have to feel like this. You would never have to tell someone that I do not want to be treated different. In the reality of the whole thing is this. When you get sick and you start taking medicines that make you sick. You change , those around you change, friends change, everything changes. Where it is not just inside my own world. It is inside of the nightmare that is my life. Am I scared no not anymore. I want my life to be looked back on and they say you know she was a tough girl. Not remember all the bad things I did. Just remember that I was a person who went through things in her life. And the key word there is life. None of us were given instructions or a how to guide when we were born. We were molded by our family and friends and society. We all made different choices and went separate ways but for some reason we all come home.
Inside my world there is a mess of color and life. A never ending painting of all the things that have happened in my life both good and bad. And when I sit back on the white lounger and am asked “what do you see?” I simply say me!