As I sit here in the dark and wonder about the world right outside that window. I wonder is there some one like me that does the same thing? Not like long lost romance type stuff….Not really into that. But if there is someone who right now wonders if someone ,somewhere out in this big universe is there someone who knows how I feel? That is sick? That is trying to be strong for everyone but it’s starting to slip away. I carry around with me the things I have been told only told a few people and that is it. I feel weird when it becomes about me. Why that I am unsure of but I just do? I mean come on I am 33 years old. I hurt everywhere. I hurt everyday. I try not to complain but I do. Because it is so hard to sit in a house surrounded by your own thoughts you own dreams that are being pushed away and you may never get them back. I do not expect any one to understand me. I am not comparing myself or situation to anyone else. I am simply speaking about my own experience. Maybe not everyone has the same feelings that I do. And that is okay. I am frustrated and I feel like the disease is getting the better of me and I am not ready to give up quite yet. And I think the people around me see it now too. I think that is what hurts more than anything I CAN’T HIDE IT ANYMORE.
Inside my world no one would have to feel like this. You would never have to tell someone that I do not want to be treated different. In the reality of the whole thing is this. When you get sick and you start taking medicines that make you sick. You change , those around you change, friends change, everything changes. Where it is not just inside my own world. It is inside of the nightmare that is my life. Am I scared no not anymore. I want my life to be looked back on and they say you know she was a tough girl. Not remember all the bad things I did. Just remember that I was a person who went through things in her life. And the key word there is life. None of us were given instructions or a how to guide when we were born. We were molded by our family and friends and society. We all made different choices and went separate ways but for some reason we all come home.
Inside my world there is a mess of color and life. A never ending painting of all the things that have happened in my life both good and bad. And when I sit back on the white lounger and am asked “what do you see?” I simply say me!