Growing Pains I guess….

Here recently I have noticed that I am changing. I am guessing it is for the better but not really sure. See there was a time in my life where writing a blog would not really matter. I was always looking to party. Some other reason and excuse to get fucked up. Hell it was a daily thing. I used to get dressed up to the nines and head out to see what trouble I could get into or a on the prowl so to speak for my next whatever. I am not sure when things changed for me. But they have. And in a big way. Funny cause a few years ago I would have never thought that I of all people would be where I am right now. Sitting in this room alone and nothing to do really. I am constantly invited out but I always make an excuse not to go. And after a conversation I had earlier I am seeing why I really do it.
My circle is very small today. I maybe only really speak to two or three people daily. I get to hear about others lives and all the drama and crap that I just am better alone. It could be that I spent all that time in solitary confinement . Not sure but it is something. I mean I am okay not being around the music, the drinking and the bullshit that comes along with that. I mean to sit in my house and tell someone- “I just want to stay home”.. It is quite new. I guess it could be a trust thing too. See I sit back and I see that not many people even see life the way that I do. See I know first hand that not everyone that smiles in your face is your friend. I also know that if you have too many people in your business soon everyone gets in your business. I care for a lot of people but I do it from a distance. With the fact that this week has been one of the harder weeks for me. I am okay with the situation the way it is. If I leave everyone alone eventually they will or should leave me alone. Life and people are tricky like that. Granted at 34 I probably should be having some fun. But I feel like when I look at my life.. I have had enough “fun” for everyone.
It is hard to let anyone in when you don’t trust people any more. Again it may have been the 9 and 1/2 months and two days in the hole. But whatever it is- I have noticed it. I am thinking that this is part of growing up. I mean if I were married I can’t say it would change. But me being single about the only thing anyone may think is I just do not have a life. I do – I have my son , my school , and my family and friends. And in this life I am not and will not give any of that up for anyone. No matter how much they talk about me and try and put me down. Have I gained weight- Yep sure have- I am not using any more. I know that if I wasn’t supposed to be here -God would have taken me by now. So to the ones who talk about me and feel the need to bring up pictures from 2008.. I say this… Nice try if you can find something today and you can take that much time out of your day to think about me.. You are the one with the issue. Not me. See I have gotten through a lot. I have grown a lot. I am single by choice and I have priorities now. I like knowing I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth and a stability I need. I love the fact that today I can be with my son.. And see him grow into a great young man. I know that I can spend time with my family and they get to know me. It has taken me years to get where I am. And there is no one on this planet worth me losing all of that over…
I guess I just needed to vent but this is my venting place… Hope all have a great day!