Matters of the heart

I have never been the girl that was good at anything remotely looking like a relationship. Did not matter if it were a man or woman. Still never got the gist of it. Got married- that didn’t work. Dated women- that did not work. Turned feelings off and became cold- that did not work either. And yet here I sit in my room and have a constant thought go through my head- A thought that should have left years ago but has not. See I have come to the realization that I am in love. Funny to hear me say that but I think it is true. For a few years now there has been one constant person my heart and my mind keep coming too. And to no avail I can not shake it. I have always heard that if you constantly think of someone then they are supposed to be there. I do not have the balls I guess to even let this person know how I feel. I am pretty blunt about everything else . But when it comes to matters of the heart.. I do not know how to do it. I had someone ask me why I do not have a significant other. And here and there I have given bullshit answers to that question. Of course it is just to dodge the real question that I ask myself. Until today- I have a feeling it may have come too late.. I think the person that I am in love with has gotten married and for me that means hands off. Drop the feelings and never look back . I do not know for sure but I just feel like it is true. I have so many people tell me how beautiful I am and honestly I do not see it. And all I can think about is one week of my life that was spent with the most amazing person and just how that made me feel. I mean granted I am probably not good enough for them because we grew up different lives. But there is not a second of the day that they do not cross my mind. It is kind of like even though we are far apart they are always near me. I just can’t do it.
I sit here and see a person who like I said earlier isn’t perfect. Does not have the perfect body or life.. And yet all I can think about is them. When I talk about them my whole demeanor changes and I feel like I could do anything. Yet there is this huge wall up and I am not sure if it is me or them. But if I could tell this person just how I feel I guess I would say that.. No matter how far apart we are from each other they are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I look at the sky when I take my walks and I wonder if by chance they are thinking about me. How I would do anything for them. Even walk away if it meant they could be happy. When I tell them I love them.. It is not words .. It comes from every fiber of my being. Yet those dreams may have to be just that… Dreams.. And now I am faced with not saying a word and walking away . I do not know if I should cry and get it out.. Or just hell I don’t know… I feel so dumb for feeling this way…

By aprilgaddis10

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